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Sunday, December 04, 2011

ok i was planing to start with a "my life jus keep sucking", but thanks to the music and meg cabot and bread, gastric's getting better and i no longer wish to jus curl in one corner and die

-.-

anw. today went for some guardian sharing session. and i thought i had gotten over not doing fyp -.- i was the only one there wo fyp (that was the first thing that popped into my head). but really i'm getting over it lar. more depressed about sth else now. i feel lik a failure in practically everything. i wish i can jus hide in my bed and do nth but read fiction.

i hate not being able to socialise well. it's like some horrible disease. and everyone can see how pathetic i am. and i dont even want to be like that. it's jus lik that. how to be a good retail pharmacist if i'm lik that? u're supposed to want to and be good at interacting with ppl to be a good retail pharmacist. so now i'm too stupid for hospital, and too anti-social for retail pharmacy. sheesh. i really want to help ppl k. since i'm not that capable of helping out in the hospital (lack the clinical efficiency (lik some drug -.-) and smartness and photographic memory of a bloody camera) , i thot at least i could help out in the community. but seriously jus look at how wonderfully well i perform in a crowd. i loathe parties, chitchatting and small talk and hanging out in a small groups of relatively unknown people. i genuine like talking to some ppl, and the thrill of finding common topic to talk about or jus belonging  is sheer bliss. whether i get new ideas or get informed about sth that change my opinion about sth, it's good to talk to ppl. but i dont understand why i cant do it. actually i might noe just what is my problem, but i keep forgetting everytime and i am jus so SOCIALLY AWKWARD lik some dam accursed antisocial hermit. it's cause i'm too uptight and stressed and paranoid. i wonder if everyone hates me, and from the way they are not talking to me, it's probably cause they hate me and they probably dont talk to me cause i dont speak cause i dont have anything to offer because i'm so stupid. so it's really lik some vicious cycle if u noe wat i mean. but the reality is that they dont care really. HAI. WHY CANT I GET OVER THIS SHIT.

how am i supposed to mingle in the guardian crowd? so if i dont go guardian, WHERE THE HELL AM I LEFT W? i'm so incapable of mingling and making frens. ok probably i'l have to deal with this shit everywhere i go, but seriously, i'm so screwed. jus as screwed as 6 years ago with no frens in a closely knitted squad. in today's context it's probably being frenless in this "pharmily" (cringe involuntarily at this crappy word). had this fleeting ambition to be some manager or sth in the retail setting, but seriously, if i'm so lousy in mixing around with ppl, i doubt i can avoid appearing lik some anti social freak, much less be a pharmacist.

so wat do i want in this crappy meaningless life anyway? if a career is not possible, hmm yea mayb suceess in relationship. yea right pls -.- look at wat i did to wat was once a close relationship. look at miserable me; i often i get angry and disappointed with my bf. -.- it's probably my idiotic fault again. it's dam tiring seriously. And OH LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF close/FRENS I HAVE.

i should jus reduce myself to a robot since they apparently have better life.

so sian of having no money and no motive no aim no nothing in my pathetic life.



signing off
amethyst
12:28 AM