so while today started out being quite emo ( i couldnt even find the proper clothes to wear to sch. it feels lik nth fits), it should be ending quite well, thanks to empathy, understanding and advice from a "been there, done that (more accurately, doing that)" fren.
it's good to noe i'm not the only one feeling lik this shit. when u're going thru a rough patch and when it feels lik u're alone, i wil now be reminded i am not alone.
been a rough period these few mths. hahas yes, hong kong did not leave me unscathed. i was supposed to come back a better person and all, but i couldnt seem to pull myself together. add in sch and i become a total wreck.
while it is easy to turn to pessimism and whine and complain and emo and be bitter, blaming everyone else so self-righteously, it also pushes everyone away. while i wallow in self pity (yes sis u're right, i've been wallowing non stop), ppl get mystified den couldnt be bothered about me. while i rant to the world about how you as my fren should at least bother and try to find out why i feel so bad, i should also be reminded the world doesnt owe me a living.
it has been tiring resenting and wishing vengence. it wont work and i'm only driving everyone away. it makes me look older, fierce, crankier, uglier. i dont understand why i didn't figure this out sooner. pessimism turns ppl away. frens gently reminded, but i persisted cause it felt good to wallow in self pity, and lament why does history always repeats itself, feel wronged for having being born a saint (ok seriously? not saintly, but mayb i expect too much back from people).
SO ANYWAY. i have decided i'l GET OVER IT. while forgiving is not part of my resentful nature, i will be a better person and forget this whole shit. while it's not gonna be fine and dandy immediately, i will try. i wont put my heart and soul into you anymore (as if you give a dam anyway now) and u should do fine. i'll learn to stand on my two legs. while i might fall back into the same habit, i'll try to avoid that.
i wont hold a grudge (try) and i will keep an emotional distance from everyone. because if even the closest (as i've wrongly deemed) frens can do this TWICE (two difference ppl yo in two different time frame), i should prolly lessen the pouring of heart and soul. but at the same time, i cannot put up walls! i will be so lonely and die on my lonely island. so the trick is balance!
did learn sth too, mayb i didn't noe the real you, but it's not lik u changed. it's jus the real you finally. =)
so above all, i WIL TRY FOR OPTIMISM AND CONFIDENCE. WITH THIS I CAN RULE THE WORLD. mayb with a little help from my virtual plastic surgeon boyf (okok jus a game), but that'll be another story for another day.
thank you experienced fren for the firm and timely reminder. above all it was useful and it shook some sense into my otherwise foundering life. =)
signing off
amethyst
2:04 AM
say something'
plain.amethyst.palace
plainpalace.sally.yip
aquarian snake
Singapore
Alexandra Hill Pri, Nan Hua Sec, Victoria Junior College, NUS P h a r m12'
Lady`Mage =)
plainpalace@hotmail/gmail.com
let it go'
if you cant hold on, let it go and come back in your heart
hopes and wishes
.books
.more bc dresses!, bags
.necklaces, bracelets (to spice up boring outfits!)
.above preferably of diamonds and white gold. >< or gold. or precious stones. =P
.musical box that plays pirates of Caribbean Davy Jones soundtrack
.own room -.-
.blank nice books to write my diary
.mont blanc fountain pen ><
.supernatural, grey's anatomy, heros, charmed, csi complete DVDs