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Saturday, January 29, 2011

i'm slowly losing interest in everything. hahas

the crap modules i'm doing now make me feel lik everything is damn ppda or med chem. it's not lik it's chemistry even. all the modules are linked tgt. they lied when they say u can throw away ur notes aft one sem. whatever i dont noe is coming back to haunt me. pharmacotherapy is the equivalent of med chem should pharmacology be the equivalent of ppda. ok see i dont even noe wat i'm talkin about. it's not even lik the things they teach are boring. it's reali interesting, but i wish u could jus remove all the eqns and graphs. why must u blooy quantify everything? why must everything be so damn accurate? why cant u jus accept the general idea and theory? why cant u just deal with the simple ideas? hello occam's razor?? one day i'm gonna disprove all the damn complicated stuff. -.-

the only thing i can look fwd to is cny, and even i feel so sian about it. or my bday. cause i keep thinking i can catch up on my notes during cny (YES i'm that lagging behind), but PLEASE. hai.i'l prolly feel as lethargic. \ and my bday? SUCKS. cause i'm gonna be one year older, one year unhappier. hahhas =/and i dont feel lik wasting other ppl's money to ask them get me sth i dont lik, but end up that i stil buy stuff for other ppl anyway and not get anything for my own stupid bday. den i lik to hallucinate ppl dont care. sheesh?

buying new stuff doesnt thrill me much anymore. i feel so sian when i dont buy anything, but even if i buy sth, i dont feel the thrill anymore. i tink this is how an addiction feels like. u need increasing dose of stimulant to get that same high. unfortunately, i dont have the ability to increase my stimulant. and whenever i think abt how ppl keep complaining they have no money now and refrain from buying things, and how "rich" i seem to be now, and yet how they'l be richer in the future, and me prolly v broke and wearing the same things till it fur, i dont feel lik buying anything or even continuing with life. or if everyone ard me have crappy branded stuff, and i'm stil carrying the same crappy brandless poor ppl stuff. or when i have to scrimp and save and eat zha cai fan everyday, i feel so siannn. hai.

which is why i might not likely be poor, but i wont ever get rich. so i am so "money minded". because i dont want to the future to be lik that. which is why i wish 2012 could really be the end. or that the aliens could really attack. becausei realii do not want to be poor. i'm lik getting all my money from my extremely nice and self sacrificial parents who are slowly decreaseing their sacrifices, and i dont have anyone to lean on because it's just my luck. and i cant reali take care of myself too. so the future look so bleak. and those ever so optimistic ppl wil say "why are u lik that? worrying so much? why cant u jus relax and let nature runs its course?" because i lik to be prepared. because i'm not as smart as u. because i'm nt as adequate as u. i rather be the big fish in the small pond than the small fry in an ocean.

similarly i appear competitive because i noe how it just sucks to be at the bottom. and i dont want to be at the bottom. so i'm trying all sorts of desperate ways to not be at the bottom, and ppl think im competitive. like "why u so competitive??" ohh innocent you, you dont understand what it feels lik to be at the bottom when u haven ever been at the bottom. sure staying at the top is hard, and mayb i dont understand it too, but have u ever felt useless when it feels that everyone ard u is not interested in speaking to u cause u're not smarT? or mayb i'm jus a very boring person by nature. couple that with my anger at the whole world and u get a very unpleasant individual, yours truly.

and when someone dont buy something and keep complaining v broke, or dont have new clothes, i feel irritated. and i realised it's the same as me when i complain abt my lousy grades den refuses to study. so i shouldnt be irritated.

i feel so inspired and wow when someone decided that s/he isnt going to work in anything related to pharmacy aft graduation, and really do sth about it, and actually get sth worthwhile. and asked a very apt qn, what is ur dream job when u were a child? before all ur hopes were dashed and reality starts to set in?

once upon a time, i wanted to be a writer. a fiction one mind you. that was before all the crap about how my eng suck sets in. then i thot i could be a tcher. that was followed by realisation that i dont have the most perfect of social skills. and i cant even teach anyone now. i get so agitated and choked of emotions. lik i'm excited cause i can finally understand sth that you dont noe, and end up a mess trying to explain. how pathetic is that? *bitter laughs*

ranting. so irritated. feeling unjust. feeling isolated. blaring themusic doesnt help. life sucks. i usually end with this anyway.



signing off
amethyst
12:22 AM