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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

feel so sickeningly sian and emo and bored and listless and plain hopeles.

my damn cap jus aint going to improve so why worry emo about it so much?

damn clothes jus wont sell wat's al the bloody efforts for?

cant find ppl who i can talk to on the same wavelength about things that matter and things that dont-matter-but-fun-to-debate-about. things change. life gets suckier. HOHO i REALi dont want 21st to come. =/

emo songs resonate with me but not songs that screams I WONT BOW I WONT BREAK. i've broken and bowed to anything u lik, anything u may.

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intriguing excerpt from the magicians, lev grossmsan

"what is it that you ythink makes you magicians?" more silence. Fogg was wel into rhetorical-question territory now anw. he spoke more softly. "is it because you are intelligent? is it because you are brave and good? is it because you're special?"

"mayb. who knows. but i'l tell u sth. i think u're magicians because u're unhappy. a magician is strong because he feels pain. he feels the difference between what the world is and what he would make of it. or what did you think that stuff in ur chest was? a magician is strong because he hurts more than others. his wound is his strength"

"most ppl carry that pain ard inside them their whole lifes, until they kill the pain by other means, or until it kills then. but you, my frens, you found another way a way to use the pain. to burn it as fuel, for light and warmth. u have learned to break the world that has tried to break you"

----------------------------------------------------------

so either i'm not hurting enough, or i'm jus imagining/amplifying my so-called "hurt" or just aint smart enough (because one of the signs of doing magic is to top the cohort every year in school. i've nv topped anything before). i'm nt a magician. =(

mayb it's time i stop this escapism and start being a grownup 21 year old. =/



signing off
amethyst
11:44 PM