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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

not feeling very inspirated now. in fact, i'm feeling rather sian. jus typed a letter to a fren. a very very long letter.

anw, to address my previous (very interesting) topic. hmm.. i am still feeling lik a hypocrite.(and i dun even noe how to pronounce this word still). i've given a thought about it. and it's not all the time i adopt the modest approach so that everyone will underestimate me. in fact, most of the time when i say i feel i would fail/not get great marks, i really do feel that way. but of course, when such a time happen, i usually scored ok, and ppl to whom i complain too gets really unhappy.

of course i learn my lesson and bit my lips and not complain the next time it happens. den of course ppl will say i get the highest, but still i hold my tongue. and when results come back, my life jus crash and burn. -.- and somewhere somehow, i can' believe whether it's retribution or not, but someone will jokingly say "i get higher den u". omans, u won't believe how much my mood jus sours. but of course, i'll try to keep my cool and hold my silence. but usually i end up showing my sulky face. sighs. it's not my fault my stupid feelings decide to get ahead of me, is it? mayb it is my fault.

y does results mean so much to me?? y can't i jus treat it lik wat it is?? it's merely results? there are of course so much more impt things.. lik love, family and frens. wat is wrong with me?! it is merely results. must i get so agitated over it? must i let things sour bet me and my frens? i am such a sucky person.

or perhaps i feel that i have only my results to believe in. i have nothing else. really nothing (as i've discovered during the process of writiing my testimonial). i am not even sure wat is my belief. sure i call myself a buddhist, but i dun find myself turin to my religion when i'm really at my wit's end. mayb i'm better off a free thinker. i told myself i believe in magic, believe in mother nature (erm, sounds alot lik satanic, dun u think? =/), but i dun really feel the pang when i study geog and all thsoe environment degradation. so wat' s up with my noble ambition of wanting to be an environmentalist? it's lik, it's all humans fault that we're all in this state. it's the inevitable price of development. and yea, i do believe in the cause and effect thing, and the dark and light, ying and yang.

great, wallowing in self pity again, as my sis will oh-so-kindly inform me. but nvm, as jane will tell me, i'm one confused individual.

off to dental appointment again. yes. i'm really scared of another root canal such that i am desperate for my 6-mth checkups..



signing off
amethyst
11:44 AM